yesterday
They just threw their trash on the ground!
This wasn’t some kid, either. This was a grown-ass adult. And they just crumpled up the wrapper and dropped it right on the sidewalk in front of my house.
What kind of person does this? What is the mindset? Who do they think is going to pick that up? Or what do they think happens to it? If everyone did this, and no one ever cleaned it up, the whole city would be a sea of trash. They must know this.
So either they don’t care about living in a sea of trash, or they don’t care that they’re making other people clean up after them.
Well I wasn’t going to pick it up for them, so I called out, “Hey! You need to pick that up.”
They stopped and turned, with a bewildered look, so I continued, “That wrapper you dropped. You need to pick it up.”
They asked, “Are you seriously going to make me pick that up?”
How could they be surprised!? “Yes! It’s your trash! Why should I have to pick it up?”
They bent down to pick it up, and before turning to walk away, muttered, “You’re so mean.”
Mean!? I’m not the one dumping my trash in your front yard!
I was absolutely filled with disgust.
today
Today... I littered.
On purpose.
It was a small piece of paper (biodegradable!) that I dropped in the park, when I was pretty sure no one was looking. And I picked up several pieces of trash on the other side of the park — just to cleanse my karma, I guess?
No, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t about karma. It was to satisfy my ego, my conception of who I am and what kind of person I am. I was trying to prove something about myself, to myself.
And like I said, I had to make sure no one saw me, because what would they think of me? Would they think I’m one of those people, those litterers? I would feel their disgust, and my own shame.
(I’m even a little worried about what you think of me, dear reader. In your mind, am I a litterer?)
This was an interesting experiment. Was it a test? If so, I think I cheated. I was too attached to my concept of myself as one who does not litter, my disgust with those who do, and my fear of becoming the target of the disgust I might induce in others.
tomorrow
Disgust evolved to stop us from poisoning our bodies. But moral disgust is its own kind of poison.
How am I supposed to love everyone with this poison in my soul?
Moral disgust creates a divide between “people like me” and “those kind of people”. It separates us, makes it hard to even understand where another person is coming from. I thought that by littering, I might be able to overcome my disgust and better understand the person who tossed their trash on my sidewalk.
Instead, I learned how deeply rooted my disgust is in my conception of myself and my relation to others. Which was a disappointing finding, but I guess it’s good to know. The path away from my own moral disgust will not be walked in an afternoon.
Moral disgust comes from an attachment to, and over-identification with, one’s virtue. Buddhists speak of The Middle Path, between vulgar behavior and attachment to virtue.
Monks, these two extremes ought not to be practiced by one who has gone forth from the household life. There is addiction to indulgence of sense-pleasures, which is low, coarse, the way of ordinary people, unworthy, and unprofitable; and there is addiction to self-mortification, which is painful, unworthy, and unprofitable.
~ Gautama Buddha
Addiction to virtue… what an interesting thought.
I will try littering again, to break my own addiction. And whatever form your own moral disgust takes, I encourage you to look it in the face. Are you disgusted by people who drink alcohol? Have a beer! Disgusted by people with tattoos? Get one yourself, even if it’s just a single brown freckle-tattoo in a discreet place. Attached to your veganism? Try a slice of the cheese pizza. Hate country music? Go to a country bar and chat with someone there. Is your disgust race-based, class-based, religion-based, sexual-orientation-based, or politically-based? Stare it in the face, find the thing you can’t quite believe you could ever do, and then do it.
Never mistake The Middle Path for the easy path! Following it will take all the courage you have.
Wow! Really thoughtful. Provacative. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteThere's a technique I like to use in situations like the litterbug example -- acknowledge that we don't know the other person's present mindset and forgive them for their momentary "moral lapse." Imagine all the times you've been a driver on the road and you were rudely cut off or another driver did something that surprised you. Simple mistake, or intentional? I used to feel the other driver was intentional in all cases, but having made a few mistakes in my life as a driver, I one day thought, "well, I don't know that what that driver just did was intentional" That day, my anger, disgust, and negative feelings at other drivers became a lot less intense. After a while, I started saying, "I forgive you" and letting it go and this practice spills over into all aspects of my life experiences. Who knows what sort of day that person was having at the moment we witnessed whatever upsets us so. When I continued to reflect (over many moons) as my behavior and outlook changed, I also realized these feelings were reflections of how I felt about myself and my own actions. Learning to forgive another was in fact learning to forgive myself and accept myself for exactly who I am in any given moment. Learning to forgive led to learning to let go of judgment of others. Letting go of judgment led to accepting who I am as a person even more so and being at peace with myself and the world at large.
ReplyDeleteThis is really beautiful and profound. Thank you for sharing!
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