Wafflican Coming of Age Ceremony

The coming of age ceremony, which typically happens around a child’s 12th birthday,  acknowledges and honors the transition from childhood to adolescence. The ceremony seeks to ensure that a child is given permission to grow up, and that the adults in their life are given permission to let them grow up.

The term “adult” describes a way of behaving as well as a way of being perceived and treated. Becoming an adult means developing a relationship with society. The entire coming of age process is therefore every bit as much about the adults in a child’s life as it is about the child, and there are expectations on both sides.

For the child, the transition to adulthood centers around demonstrating readiness to take on adult responsibilities, however these are defined in their culture.

For the adults, the expectations are:

• Show trust in the abilities of the child, especially those demonstrated during the coming of age ceremony.
• Foster adult-level independence in the child.
• Welcome the child into the community of adults.

Just as the expectations of the child do not end with the ceremony, neither do the expectations of the adults. This is a big deal, so make sure it sticks. Prepare yourself to say goodbye to the child, and to create a new relationship with the young adult.

The Trials

Demonstrating fitness to live up to the cultural expectations of adulthood requires that the child undergo some sort of trials. As the parent, caretaker, or adult mentor, you must decide what trials would be most meaningful. Keep in mind that success is meaningless if there is no possibility of failure. The trials must be difficult! If you, as an adult, have 100% confidence that the child will succeed, then you have robbed yourself of the opportunity to have faith in the child, to trust that they can handle the unexpected and navigate through uncertainty.

Living in a fairly big city in 201X, we chose three trials to demonstrate our children’s readiness for greater independence:

1. They had to demonstrate an ability to trade goods and/or services for money. Without our help.
2. They needed to be able to get around the city on public transit.
3. Each child was also given a personal challenge specifically tailored to their personality. (One of our children, who is mathematically inclined but has difficulty persevering, was given the task of solving a Rubik’s cube. Another, who has a hard time talking to strangers, was tasked with ordering food from a restaurant and bringing it home.) 

On the day of the ceremony, all three trials had to be satisfied. Our plan was that money had already been earned (and saved) before the day of the ceremony. On the day of the ceremony, we dropped the child off in an unfamiliar part of the city, with their saved money and a specific quest (their personal challenge) that they were required to complete before they returned.

We had chosen a spot ahead of time to drop them off, somewhere that didn't even look like our home city, way out in the suburbs, several busses and several hours away. It was scary for us! It felt like abandoning a child! And that is exactly why it had to be done: because this person wasn’t a child anymore.

One friend offered to tail our child, to make sure that they were fine, without the child knowing. But then we would know. Knowing the child would be fine would have prevented us from trusting that the child would be fine, and we would have missed our opportunity to grow. We declined the offer.

Preparation

We didn't just drop our kids off in the middle of nowhere one day. And, as mentioned before, they had already earned a significant amount of money before the ceremony. We had also organized several previous outings, where they’d practiced using Google Maps and the transit app to get around, or to find their way home.

The first few trips were clear failures. And we let them fail! Nothing proves that a child is ready like watching them miss a stop, get lost, notice that they are lost, and figure out how to get back on track. It's not about avoiding mistakes; it’s about knowing how to recover from them.

The Three Phases of the Ceremony

The ceremony itself is composed of three phases: Separation, Transition, and Re-incorporation. Each phase is crucial for allowing the changes of mind and relationship required for a successful coming of age.

The ceremony takes around 4-6 hours, depending on how you choose to do it. Trusted family and close friends who have known the child for most of the child's life may attend. Others won't be able to participate as completely.

Each phase should be a challenge for everyone involved. If you are not feeling challenged, you aren't working hard enough to make this transformation a success.

Separation

The beginning of the ceremony is a time for saying goodbye to the little child who is no more. It's a time for those who loved that little child to reminisce, and to mourn. We shared our favorite memories, funny or sweet stories, and quotes of the kid-things they'd said. We looked at photos and movies of them growing up, and art/projects they made as a child.

That little child you loved so dearly is already gone. Say goodbye, and make room for the young adult who stands before you.

Transition

This is the scary part: the trials. If you have designed them well, the trials will be as challenging for you as they are for the child. While the child is out, try to focus on your trust. They are more grown up than you know.

Re-incorporation

The triumphant return! The young adult arrives, with proof that they have successfully passed the trials. Look at this new, capable person as if for the first time! This isn't the child you said goodbye to, the helpless baby who once depended on you for everything. This is an independent and capable person, well on their way to becoming a successful adult.

For demonstrating these capabilities, the natural reward is commensurate privileges. In the case of the public transit trial, we rewarded our children with bus passes, and the permission to travel anywhere they wanted to with them. (But not anytime they wanted to! They still needed to ask permission, get home at a reasonable hour, etc.)

Celebrate with your young adult in whatever ways are most meaningful for them — and never look at your child the same way again.